It's funny how sometimes you can feel completely right, like you're doing what you are meant to and other times it seems like making all the wrong decisions led to this place where you shouldn't be. I know that I need to be here in Palau. I've known since Sophomore year of high school, when I told my dad one day I'd go to Palau, that eventually I'd end up here. But as a missionary? What am I doing here? How is my small contribution doing anything at all for the people who live in Palau.
I'm being torn into. I have exactly half of me that has a sickening, sinking feeling that I made all the wrong decision. Maybe I shouldn't have broken up with my boyfriend. Maybe I shouldn't have taken a year off of school to come to a place that doesn't really need me. Maybe all my friends already forgot who I am. Maybe life goes on, weather or not I'm there. I feel so invisible. My sister turned 18 and I missed it. My friends are making new friends and I'm sure that I am just a lingering thought of the past. My life last year was perfect. I had great jobs, great friends, great boyfriend, and a great track for a great career. Now what do I have? I have 16 wide-eyed 2nd graders, the expectation of perfection, and uncertainty. Why did I give up my old life for this?
"Alone in this fight with herself, with the fears whispering If she stands, she'll fall down". This is what just played through my computer. I am battling myself because the other side of me is wrapped up in Palau. I am completely in love with everything about it. This is my home. I love the people, I love the weather, I love the island. As I told my dad when he came to visit, I feel that Palau is a little closer to Heaven than the rest of the world. Not literally, but there are so few distractions and so much more time for God. That also means that there is a lot more time alone with yourself.
I feel like I'm not doing enough. Should I be giving Bible studies? Should I volunteer to feed the poor? Why don't I feel like someones only hope for salvation? Why don't I feel like I'm needed?
Oh Chelsea! I'm so sorry you're feeling this way!
ReplyDeleteBut guess what? You ARE needed in Palau... Those 16 wide-eyed second graders need you more than you could ever imagine!
During the last chapel we had at SDA before we all left, the 8th graders sang this song by Ray Boltz for us and it still brings tears to my eyes,
I dreamed I went to Heaven, you were there with me. We walked upon the streets of gold beside the Crystal Sea. We heard the angels singing, then someone called your name. You turned and saw this young man, and he was smiling as he came.
He said, "Friend you may not know me now," and then he said, "But wait -You used to teach my Sunday School, when I was only eight. And every week you would say a prayer before the class would start. And one day when you said that prayer, I asked Jesus in my heart."
Chorus
Thank you for giving to the Lord,
I am a life that was changed.
Thank you for giving to the Lord,
I am so glad you gave. (while singing it the 8th grader said "I'm so glad you CAME)
Then another man stood before you, he said "Remember the time, A missionary came to your church, His pictures made you cry. You didn't have much money but you gave it anyway. Jesus took that gift you gave And that's why I'm in Heaven today"
One by one they came, far as your eyes could see. Each life somehow touched by your generosity. Little things that you had done, sacrifices that you made, They were unnoticed on this earth In Heaven now proclaimed.
And I know up in Heaven you're not supposed to cry But I am almost sure there were tears in your eyes As Jesus took your hand and you stood before the Lord He said "My child look around you, Great is your reward."
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It might not feel like it right now Chelsea, but one day every will make sense and you'll realize that God brought you to Palau "for such a time as this".
I almost cried reading the comment above. That song...
ReplyDeleteYes, you are needed. Sometimes it might be to lead a child to salvation, other times it might be to hand out a band-aid, but it is YOU who is supposed to do that.
Everything you said in your post, EVERYTHING, is the exact struggle that every missionary feels. Why? What is my purpose? I think this is something that people miss when they tell us about being missionaries. We here the end result, we don't see the process. But the struggle is really what makes the end result so darn beautiful!
You have no idea how many days I felt that way, not so much in Palau because at that point in my life I didn't want to go home at all (my mom had passed away half of a year before I went out, and so I wasn't leaving "perfect" behind, but "was-once-perfect-but-now-is-broken" instead), but in Ebeye, shoot. Everyday. Almost every single day I struggled with that. In the end though, man, I would not trade it for ANYTHING. (Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed Ebeye, just not in the same way one can enjoy Palau...) Those hearts that wrapped themselves up into mine, both in Ebeye and Palau, that is a bond that can never be matched this side of the pond.
Hang in there, and have faith that even though you cannot see it, your purpose is present all around, and others are grateful for you being there.