Are you talking to me?

I know I just posted. I know I blog a lot. I gave up on the journal and this is now my diary. You don't have to read. You don't have to follow. But I need this.

A few minutes ago I was talking to one of my best friends. She is on the island of Yap right now and we are virtually the closest people from back home. It's great because though our experiences are totally different, we can empathize because some things are still similar.

Me: "It's hard though. It's hard when things here seem so modern and it feels like no one wants or needs God. It's hard because not everyone here is on the same place in their spiritual walk. It's hard because I feel that I should know the people better by now and I don't. It seems like as hard as I try, I'll just be pointless here."

While writing this to her on skype, I was also reading the book Crazy Love. As I finished typing that, I read this:

God (via Francis Chan): "Don't be anxious about anything." -Philippians 4:6

Me: "But it's hard because I am so weak and there are so many temptations here. It's hard because I don't know hymns, and I don't know how to be friends with my kids while also being in charge. I'm not complaining. I expected it to be like this. I just hate feeling so insignificant."

God: "Worry implies that you don't quite trust that I am big enough, powerful enough, or loving enough to take care of what is happening in your live. Stress says that the things we are involved in are important enough to merit our impatience, our lack of grace to others, or our tight grip of control. Basically, these two behaviors communicate that it's okay to sin and not trust Me because the stuff in our life is somehow exceptional. They reek of arrogance. It's like this: imagine that you are an extra in a movie. You only see the back of your head for 2/5 of a second in one scene. If you pointed this out to everyone you know, you might get your mom to care. Imagine that you rented out a movie theater for the premiere, what would people say? You're crazy, the movie isn't about you! Now consider the movie of life. God creates the world. The people rebel against God who floods the earth to get rid of the mess. God singles out Abram to make father of the nation. God picks Mary and Joseph, God sends judges and prophets to His nation, God is born into this world. Then, the Son of God dies for everyone and goes back up to be with God. How is it possible that YOU live as though it is about you?"

Me: "I know.I'm sorry! My 2/5 of a second are what I'm trying to use here. I just feel so frustrated because I feel like I'm not using them like I should.I know it's not about me, but it's hard not to think about myself because it's the only life I have."

God: "To be honest, it doesn't really matter what place you find yourself in right now. Your part is to bring Me glory. The point of life is to point to me. Frankly, you need to get over yourself. You said that you were here for me, so stop worrying about you. Who cares if it's modern? Be thankful that you have what you do. Who cares about their spiritual walk? All that matters is you and Me. Who cares who you know? All that matters is that they know Me, and you know Me. You think I care if you know hymns? Praise Me however you want. You think I care if you're weak. Come to me. I'll make you strong."

First conversation with God. In the past I'd just pray and listen to myself talk. I've never had God talk back. I'm overwhelmed, and literally have tear spilling out of my eyes, because God took the time to give me hope. He told me to pick up Crazy Love, and told me to read that page, that place. He told me to talk to Rychelle and told her to tell me everything will be okay. He told me to be honest with her and honest with myself. It's funny, but I don't feel so insignificant anymore.